I Am Always There For You.. Or Not

Before I got sick, everyone always said they’d be there for me though thick and thin, no matter what. That we’d always be friends that they’d always be my siblings, or i’d always be their daughter, that we’d always do things together and never grow apart. Well I’ve learned in the past year and a half, that people lie. Maybe not to hurt you, but they can’t keep promises they made years ago. And that’s just something I have come to accept as hard as that may be at times.

For the past year and half I have suffered from many health and mental problems. Now, you can laugh and point fingers, but that won’t help you any. I no longer care what people think of me. Since I was diagnosed with some pretty serious health issues, I’ve become kind of a shut in. Partly because I cannot do what I used to, and partly because I chose to be alone then have fake friends who are only around to make themselves look good helping “the sick girl,”.

I have many limitations and restrictions because of my health. I want you to think of all your favorite foods. Pizza, pasta, chili, salad, tomatoes, chocolate. Now I want you to think of how you’d feel never being able to eat those things again.  That’s how life is for me now. A special diet so I don’t get sicker and have my body become swollen and inflamed. And don’t forget the almost unbearable pain 24/7 and more infections then I care to count. And that’s only the start of my illnesses. But that’s not something you’d care to hear.

Well, where are you now? What happened to “I’m always there for you no matter what.”? Oh right, when I got sick, you were there. But the more time that went by and the more times I rain checked going out, the more you stopped calling, stopped checking in and before I knew it, that was it. No more calls or you to even check in once a month if that. You were just gone. All because I got sick and you couldn’t handle me not going out and being the person I used to be. And I found out much later that you were only there near the end because it made you look good helping “the sick girl”. Hanging out with me, doing what my limitations would allow day to day. Well guess what? I don’t need you here anymore. I’ve learned to be strong again. And this time, I’m stronger because of me. Because of what I go through. Its changed me. But you know what? I think its for the better. I know what is important and for the first time in my life, I’m putting me first. It was always everyone first and then if I had time, I’d help myself. But now it’s my turn. Time for me to be who I am and focus on dealing with the life that has been harshly handed to me.

You may hate that its no longer you first. But guess what? Illnesses change people. Not because we want to change, but because sometimes to deal with what’s going on, the best way is to change, to become someone different. Someone who is stronger and can deal with everything.

Credits photo: Konstantin Tilberg

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